The Music of the Spheres

Music of the Spheres by ElianaHephzibah on Polyvore.com

The other day, a very terrible memory of group sexual abuse was creeping into my consciousness and I was struggling to accept it. I was feeling the contamination of it and realizing that I am less dissociated now.

I saw a child inside, encased in a bubble. The bubble is there to protect me from the contamination of what the child had to do. I realized that there is this kind of compartmentalization all through me. Bubbles floating in a sea of dissociation, their toxic contents contained away from consciousness so that they cannot hurt. Only... this strategy is not perfect, nor is it permanent. Their effects leak out. They leak to the surface as pain, fatigue, depression, anxiety, etc.

The two main groups of dissociated parts inside that I have the hardest time dealing with and who are firmly encased in bubbles are sexual parts and child parts. They contain feelings and memories that I don't want to face. But many of us inside realize that we must. To be safe and whole we must look at them, accept them, allow the bubbles to dissolve and their stories woven into the tapestry of story that is our life.

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The Assembly

The Assembly by ElianaHephzibah on Polyvore.com

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Thoughts on Integration

I am going through a process of gradual integration of my poly-fragmented, highly structured DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) systems. In a discussion about this topic with other survivors the question arose as to how it is possible to integrate thousands of parts. It is true that highly structured systems do contain this many different parts of selves. The following may help people comprehend this seeming impossibility as well as to help survivors to work towards resolving this extensive fragmentation.

When one perceives that they have thousands of parts, integrating them all might not be as difficult as it may at first appear. For one thing, most likely the vast majority of these parts are not fully developed personalities. Many of these are fragments of selves. One fragment will hold one little piece of info from the memory, and another will hold another piece of the same event. For one small part, this will the the sounds heard during the event. For another it may be the sensations experienced; and for yet another, it could be the visual picture of the event. These are stored separately because the psyche cannot handle the extremes of trauma inflicted upon it. With the most extreme of traumatic events, there can be hundreds of fragments surrounding a single event. Our psyches come up with creative ways to house these fragments away from the conscious mind. Often these structures symbolize sleeping and/or death. Structures within the mind's internal landscape like a morgue with body drawers, beds, and/or graves would symbolize the need to "kill" or deactivate the pieces of memory so they could never hurt or haunt us again, or be remembered. Inside, I have a graveyard and underground chambers and a prison labyrinth where sleeping and supposedly dead parts of me are.

While we were children who were living surrounded by constant danger, these structures and this fragmentation was necessary. But now that we are older and becoming stronger, we are capable of handling these memories as one cohesive event. The goal is to eventually integrate the complete memories into the fabric of our lives so that they become part of our life history. The important and operative word here is our history, meaning it is in the past and can no longer destroy us. We can now bring the fragments surrounding an event together and reconstruct the narrative. Then we can accept the memory with our adult mind, so that we can then integrate the event into our life history. At first the fragments will come together into the alter self who endured the event. Then the conflicts that keep us (the amnesic host) separate from that alter can be worked through and resolved. I feel that when this is accomplished, the barriers will naturally dissolve since there is no longer a reason to keep them separate.

Think of dissociation as being held in place by internal conflicts. A part holds a memory because she believes we could not handle it or function if we knew or owned the event. We deny the memory as being real, or we doubt it or feel it is part of our imagination, and that is how we shield ourselves from its effects. We believe we can't own or believe it; or we are sure no one would ever believe us, yet we feel we can't bear it alone. Quandaries like that are what keep the walls in place. I have heard of massive integrations happening for people where a hundred or two hundred parts come together all at once just by resolving a single conflict. Many times, the same conflict will occur throughout our lives that give rise to more divisions. When that internal conflict is resolved, all of the parts created over our entire life history who are separate because of this conflict; can resolve the issue that divides them from each other and also from us and come together as one self.

An example of this would be a little girl who went to her father for help buttoning her pajamas. Her father then took advantage of her and sexually abused her, so she decided that she can never trust a man when she needs help. If she works through this and realizes that there are good men, as well as bad men, and that all men are not dangerous; then maybe every part who has that conflict stemming from different experiences throughout life can have the issue resolved and all integrate together.

Some of the more developed alter personalities will have several different conflicts and each issue will probably need to be worked through if they are to integrate. Keep in mind also that mind control programmers, and others who have a vested interest in keeping us from remembering and talking help us to set up some of these structures inside. They then follow that up with constant reinforcement that this is a permanent state for us, and that we need these barriers in place if we are to survive and function well. In other words, they sell us on the notion that we are much too complex and broken to ever hope to recover and become one person. They discourage us from "digging up the past" and minimize the importance of remembering what has happened to us. Their admonitions combined with the sheer numbers of parts and the complexity of their arrangement within is together designed to make the whole situation feel totally overwhelming and unbeatable. Concerning the ones who would keep us prisoner our whole lives it always behooves us to remember that a lot of what they taught us and manipulated in us is smoke and mirrors and lies designed to benefit them and not us.

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2009 Smart-Talks Online

This years SMART conference presentations are up online. All you have to do it go to the url below, and click "play" on the talk/talks you want to listen to:

http://smart-talks.podomatic.com/

Below is a list of the ones that are up:

Lowell Routley: Dissociation and Time Management

Lowell Routley is executive director of Heartland Trauma Initiative, created to serve survivors of extreme trauma. Over his 36 years of clinical experience in the Midwest, Lowell has listened to survivors to find what works, what doesn’t, and why. Out of those observations, he developed The Core Integrity Model. Through Heartland Trauma Initiative, Lowell provides training and consultation for therapists and survivors to explore, understand, and resolve impasses in healing. His topic is: Dissociation and Time Management.

Hal Pepinsky: Reflections of a Believer

Hal Pepinsky reflects on the experience of learning from and teaching with ra/mc survivors and advocates from 1993 until his retirement from criminal justice at Indiana University this past spring, including progress in and around SMART conferences since 1998 in building popular recognition of the reality of ra/mc, and progress in the healing of survivors he has known. His topic is: Reflections of a Believer

Shamai Currim: From Victim to Survivor to Advocate

Shamai Currim PhD is a healed survivor from a multi-generations SRA family and a therapist working in private practice in CT. She is a member of RA/MC advocate, study, and online groups, has worked with perpetrators in prisons, and has spoken up for injustice in third world countries. Her topic is: From Victim to Survivor to Advocate

Neil Brick: Ritual Abuse, the Trenches of the Stopping Child Abuse Movement

Neil Brick is a survivor of alleged Masonic Ritual Abuse and MK-ULTRA. He is the editor of S.M.A.R.T. – A Ritual Abuse Newsletter. His topic is : Ritual Abuse, the trenches of the stopping child abuse movement.

DeJoly LaBrier: Life as a Onesie- Making a Difference

deJoly LaBrier has been doing recovery work for 20 yrs. She has spoken publicly about her experiences in a military sex ring, Satanic cult and government experimentation; and is grateful for the serenity and sanity she now experiences. Her topic is: Life as a Onesie: Making a Difference

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Yes Nostalgia

Yes Nostalgia by ElianaHephzibah on Polyvore.com

Not all of my memories are terrible. Here is a collage about one of my fondest memories. It was my first concert experience. I was 16 years old and actually was most interested in and bought tickets to see the opening act, which was Berlin. I took my sister and sadly, Berlin didn't show. At the time, all I THOUGHT I knew of Yes was the currently popular song, "Owner of a Lonely Heart". My older and wiser sister told me that I would surely love what was coming and that I would recognize many Yes songs.

Boy, was she right. Yes absolutely took my breath away. It was the first and best to date concert I have ever seen or experienced. They are beyond compare.

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In Memoriam

In Memoriam by ElianaHephzibah on Polyvore.com

2 Praise the LORD, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits-

3 who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,

4 who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,

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Escape

Escape by ElianaHephzibah on Polyvore.com

This is the story of the life of one of my alter selves, now integrated. Her name was Escape, and escape was what she was all about.
One dark night, while being made to attend a ritual gathering in the woods, she decided to see what would happen if she just faded slowly into the darkness step by step. As she slowly faded back into the darkness, no one noticed her. In fact, before this, this was one of her greatest pains; that of being invisible. Well, now she would use that to her advantage and once completely cloaked in darkness, she made a break for it and ran, and ran, and ran through the dark woods to the safety of her own home and bed.
She would pay for this transgression, but keep running she did. She ran away by hitchhiking, but was caught roughly 1,500 miles from home, and sent back. Still she kept running and would never be ignored again. She ran through drinking and smoking. She ran through outright rebellion. She ran until the truth was known, and there was safety and no reason to run anymore. Now she rests within.....

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